Beginning Again


I am going to begin my recovery again. I realized very soon into my relapse that I was out of control, but I wasn’t ready to return to recovery. It’s difficult to explain why, but I wasn’t in the right mental mindset. I didn’t have any more energy, any more resolve, or any more strength. It was like my batteries were dead but I just wanted to exist, drained, without attempting to recharge.

The wonderfully supportive comments I received on my last post helped me to remember that the last two weeks – my relapse – was not the end of the road. It was an ill-fated turn, one that led to a long, unpaved, volatile path that would eventually reconnect to my road to recovery, but only if I didn’t leave the wheel.

As I mentioned previously, the strategies that once worked for me don’t work well for me anymore. I am going to give these new strategies a try:

  • I have ordered two BED self-help books, which should arrive by the middle of next week. I’m looking forward to (hopefully) gaining fresh insight into BED recovery, and I intend to write reviews of the books after or as I go through them. I also think that reading the books or key chapters may be a good way to fight off a burning urge to binge.
  • I have set aside a new journal for me to write in when the urge strikes. When I want to binge, I will fill out the HALTS acronym. Am I Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, Tired, or Sad? If I am not actually hungry, I will need to assuage the negative feeling or emotion without using food. Writing out why I feel that emotion and what I can do to alleviate my uncomfortable feelings may help. I’m going to throw Bored in with Tired since I often binge out of boredom.
  • If I’m in school on my computer when I’m struggling, I will write an email to the incredibly kind Little Miss Fit, who generously offered her support via email. Having someone real to write to when I wanted to binge was something I lacked in my first seven months of recovery.

The one positive I took from my health challenge was becoming more accustomed to exercising regularly. I will try to commit to working out on three days/week during law school this year, which will hopefully slow down further weight gain, help me sleep better, and improve my overall fitness. I don’t find that exercise relieves stress for me (in fact, knowing that I have to exercise later kind of stresses me out), but exercising is nonetheless an important part of a healthy lifestyle.

Looking back at my very first post on this blog, it both broke and warmed my heart to read what I had written: You are not less of a person – not less kind, less intelligent, less compassionate, less generous, less beautiful – because you have an eating disorder. You are not your eating disorder. You are not inadequate. You are someone deserving of love, from yourself and from others.

I wrote that. I wrote that. To know that at one point in time, I truly, honestly, genuinely believed that about myself, was an enormous comfort. It also saddened me to realize that I have somehow fallen from that place of inner peace and forgiveness. But the truth remains. I am not inadequate. I am deserving of love, from myself and from others. If I want to recover, I need to believe in those words once again.

The ending of my first post is just as appropriate here, but this time, it’s addressed to me: There is no shame in having an eating disorder. There is no shame in a slow recovery. There is no shame in needing support from others. Keep fighting.


12 thoughts on “Beginning Again

  1. Loved your quote, 3rd paragraph above this last one. Inspirational, and comforting. I may repost that, and credit your blog/the author, because I liked it a lot. Thanks for writing this post. 🙂

    • Thank you for visiting my blog! I am the author of the quote (I wrote it as part of my first blog post), so you could just link to my blog (Kristen @ The Peanut Butter Jar) if you decide to repost. 🙂

  2. First of all, I’m so happy to read this! It sounds like you have a plan in place and are ready to tackle this next phase/step in your recovery journey. You faced a relapse, a hiccup if you will, and now you seem completely motivated and ready to push forward again. That is huge! I am so happy for you!! I love all the strategies and techniques you have set in place. Sounds like you’re really planning for any situation you might be in. I am so so so happy to hear that you are willing to use me when you are stressed out or anxious. I am always there for you and I hope that you will truly reach out and use me when you need to! I will do everything I can to help you out or just listen if you need to just vent. You got this girl!!

  3. You’ve got this Kristen!! I think exercising regularly will be a huge help. There are so many benefits of exercising (that are unrelated to weight)- improved mood, regulation of sleep, self esteem boost, increased blood flow to help you get oxygen to that busy brain while in law school! I am actually an exercise specialist, so if you need any help at all feel free to reach out.. And if you ever need a pick-me-upper :). xo -Kelsy

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