Just a week after coming back from vacation, I already feel uninspired, sluggish, and unmotivated again. Bad habits have crept back in and I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even feel like doing anything about it. I wish all of my issues would just go away. If only.
I started binging again this week and every binge was so awful. I felt so physically ill from eating so much food yet I also felt numb from the emotional pain. I hate admitting that I’ve let this whole cycle start all over again, especially after everything I’ve been through and all the progress I’ve made.
I’ve hit setbacks before during the past few months, but back then, it was relatively easy for me to brush them off and start fresh. For some reason, I don’t have that in me right now. I’m so tired. I’m tired of binging and not understanding why I keep doing it. I’m tired of forcing myself to stick to an eating plan and exercise. I’m tired of stressing out about going out to eat. I’m tired of not seeing any positive changes in my body or weight loss. It’s like my body only has one setting: to get fatter.
I’m just so tired.
I don’t know how I will find the energy or strength to change this time around. I don’t want to say I’m giving up, but it’s hard not to think that. Life is so much more difficult with an eating disorder. I never wanted this. I never signed up for this. I want out so, so badly. But constantly going from up to down to up to down is exhausting. Sometimes it seems best to just stop trying.