The Wrong Kind of Empathy

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One of the most frustrating things about having BED is the following scenario: I finally decide to suppress my shame and admit to someone who does not have an eating disorder that I had an awful binge last night, and he or she responds, “Oh my god, me too!” At soon as those words leave their mouth, I know where the conversation is headed. There is no support to be found here. Continue reading

The Price of Thinness

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Near the end of my final counselling session, my counsellor Karen very quietly and very gently said to me, “Don’t forget that being thin comes at a price too”. Her words resonate with me whenever I feel frustrated with my weight and my seeming inability to lose weight. Whenever I think about her words, it brings me back to my life before BED. Continue reading

Getting Help is Scary Business

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I was scared to try counselling. What if it didn’t work? What would I do then? What would they say to me? What would they think of me? What would they make me do? What would they make me say? What would my classmates, friends, and family think of me if they found out? What if it made my binging worse?

The idea of bringing up the past and facing how much I’ve managed to screw up my life made me want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. Where would I even start? My issues with eating date back to the 5th grade. It felt like opening up the most horrible, ugly, maddening, why-won’t-it-go-away-and-why-does-it-smell-so-bad can of worms.

Just remember that your life is worth it. Your life is worth saving. Continue reading

The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies

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My Version

I try to bake every weekend because it’s relaxing, fun, and always a little bit miraculous when the finished product comes out of the oven. I bring my baked goods to school, to work, to my boyfriend’s workplace, or to his house. That way, I can still have homemade treats without the fear of eating the whole batch myself.

I decided to make “The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies” from Serious Eats’ Food Lab, which uses scientific testing to determine the best recipe for popular foods. J. Kenji Lopez-Alt (a food legend in my world) went through 32 pounds of flour, over 100 individual tests, and 1,536 cookies before finalizing his chocolate chip cookie recipe. Continue reading

A Treat a Day Keeps a Binge Away

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Finding an effective anti-binge strategy was frustrating for me. I tried so many different strategies (to be shared in a post to come) and NONE of them worked for me. After a month of trial and failure, my counsellor Karen suggested something new: why don’t I try allowing myself one treat every day? The treat had to be something I would consider a splurge – something that I typically craved. I was pretty reluctant at first to try this one out. After all, I was hell-bent on losing weight at the time, so eating an 850-calorie jumbo cinnamon bun every afternoon didn’t really make sense to me. However, this strategy is what ultimately kick-started my recovery. It helped me realize why focusing on binge reduction rather than weight loss is the right road to recovery. Continue reading